So I'm totally posting this from my iPod. I've names it and I've slept with it and today is it's second day with me. I must say I'm already in love with his thing! And they have an lj app! Obv. Oh, and I saw bunraku. Loved it. Of course I loved gackt but I must admit that the movie as a whole want bad at all. Definitely my type of movie and I will buy it in November when it comes out on DVD! Well time to do something productive :) o(^▽^)o
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Yeah, I've been bullied. Mostly just called fat. Or weird. Why? Well I've got giant beasts, so my weight is actually mostly breast. And my belly does in fact stick out. But I'm not fat. (I'm lying to myself when I say this btw.) I'm a little overweight. And I've been picked on for it.
I was like...11. And I had been going through puberty then for about 2 1/2 years. Nobody ever told me that if I keep eating frozen pizza and McDonalds, I'd gain weight. Nobody told me that I'd feel bloated, and get aches and pains everywhere. I found all of this out once I actually made friends that I could trust. But before this, at the age of 11, two girls walked up to me on the side of the road, lifted my shirt, and asked why I had just sucked in my belly. At this point I was already close to tears, and when they pointed out that I was fat (I wasn't. At that point, I was about five pounds above what I should have been.) I burst into tears. Since then, I've been very very touchy with my weight and body image.
I know people who have been driven to the point of suicide or homicide because of bullies. I won't name names to this one, but I know somebody who took a pocket knife to school and held it to his long time bullie's throat. That was his last day of school. He did not graduate. (Thankfully though, he did get his G.E.D.) He also happened to pull a loaded shot gun on this same bully who showed up at his house. This happened many years before I was born.
Today? Well, I've witnessed small children on the playground ganging up on another little girl. Nobody stopped them.
And today I hear on the news that they are researching the causes of bullying? Hold on hold on.
You have to research this crap?? How about SOCIETY. Lemme spell some of it out for you.
1. Skinny ass models on tv and in magazines. I, personally, subscribe to Cosmopolitan. Purely for makeup tips, healthy hair tips, and most of all sex tips. ;p But even in this I see all of the demeaning mannerisms. That magazine treats men like they are stupid, can't think for themselves and makes women feel like they can control a man. It makes women think they have to be skinny and perfect and both boobs have to match and their ass has to be tight. Personally, I understand that guys think different, but I know I can't control them. Instead, I come up with a way to help them understand why I think the way I do about something. Makes things easier, and I'm not demeaning them.
2. TV shows. Sex scenes. Porn. Your goods must be this large, your bra should be this cup size, your weight should be below this. Men feel crappy because girls want the perfect hollywood romance, and there is no way in hell a man can deliver that. It's all scripted and fake. I'd love to have a candle lit dinner, with rose petals all around and a nice big plate of spaghetti and meatballs. But not if I knew that it was because Dennis read about it online, and how he's 'supposed' to do this for me. And furthermore, while I'm staring down this delicious plate of spaghetti, I don't want to worry about how I look. F*ck it. Imma dig right in, and get a little sauce on my chin. Might as well wear a damn bib while I'm at it. I love spaghetti.
3. Adults. Parents. Teachers. "It'll make him a man." Like hell it will, he'll just end up exploding the school. "Survival of the fittest." Really are we in the caveman era? I don't understand how adults can laugh at one little boy kicking another in the face. That's funny? Maybe if he had said "Imma kick you!!" with a funny and cute accent, but not actually doing it! Teachers see this crap going on every day. And most of them do nothing. I understand that in certain circumstances they have to watch their own backs, but if they don't even have a backbone what's the point?
I'm sorry. I don't have a degree in psychotics. I'm not a teacher and haven't studied child development. But just from personal experiences and observations, I can pinpoint why most people get bullied, and why most people bully. (Also I forgot to mention abuse at home. :/)
I wish people would open their eyes. Every single person on this planet is unique, but unfortunately most of them won't ever find out what they are best at and will never grace this world with their love and talent. I'm not trying to be a hippie here, but it's true!
>.> Well I've ranted. :)
On high speed,
Trees become lightning,
Rain turns to steam,
Missing the point and not caring,
Missing my brain,
Swimming in blood,
Kissing my love goodbye,
As she crashes to the ground and,
Shatters into a thousand pieces,
Under the influence,
Passing through my veins,
Kissing my tender, lifeless lips,
Burying me in this coffin.
Maybe, I'll actually keep up with this thing again. :/ I get so bored, and then have nothing to do. And then there is this. I can do it.
Things have changed. Alot. I graduated in 2010. Moved into my own apartment with my boyfriend. Got a job. And am trying to get my butt into college. (Don't get me started on that rant.) I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing, and even more reading. I'm not pleased with myself when it comes to that. I used to write alot, and now I find myself finding reasons to write an organized shopping list, or writing to complain about something to someone, just because I want to hand write something. :/ Withdrawal.
Soooo, I come here. It's not hand written I admit, but let me tell you that I have a little notebook I carry with me. That is full of random little tidbits of my mind. Everything I can think of, and the times I think of them. And I have about....59 pens in my purse.
Ok that's a lie, more like 10...but they are there. Begging to be used and man handled.
Oh!~ And music...still my life. I admit that my music preference changed a bit. Still the norm: Atreyu, Gackt, Diru, Myv, Gazette, Yui....all of those. But I've added more to my list of likes.
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
And oh so many others.
Still looking for more however. :/ (When am I ever not?)
And I'm not just sticking to English, I have some Korean, Russian, German, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, and Sweedish songs. I'm still the well rounded me!
My views on life changed. For the better I hope. Still the same old depressed, anxious me. But I'm done with people's bull crap. And being walked all over and used and abused. Me fights for me, and everything me believes in. At least much more than I used to....and probably not as much as I should. But I don't keep my mouth shut when I see things wrong now...
And I'm still debating on weather this is good or bad. :0
Anyhow, I'm here, I'm back! I'm trying to write and live life and re connect with people. :) Sooooo....lets do this!
Last year I made only one..and I kept to it as best I could....this year they are as follows:
Stop dwelling on depressing crap
Broden my vocabulary
Actually friggin study Japanese
Stop being addicted to Spongebob (though not give it up lolz)
Keep being me
Write better stories/poems/whatever it is that I write
Gackt's still meh #1
Check up on my brain: squishy
Check up on my body: In pain
Check up on my heart: It can't do it anymore
Check up on me: I'm still not ok
The only proof I have that we were ever together
These two notes you wrote to me
I’ve read them a million times
I can still hear your voice saying those words
I miss it terribly
But these notes
I’ve tried to rip them
I tried to throw them away
And I’ve thought about burning them
My thumb won’t stroke the lighter
My body is too weak to rip the paper
And I snatch them from the garbage right after I put them there
God your handwritings I so beautiful
And the hearts on both sides of your name
Where you signed
They were for me
You said you were mine
I was yours
And you told me you missed me that week you were gone
And that you were a good listener
How come you didn’t listen when I tried to tell you the truth then?
And then you worried that we would drift apart after you graduated
You told me that in this note I hold in my hand
The one I try not to cry on
So I can read the words forever
And I’ll keep reading them
Until the meaning is drained
And the emotions gone
Until every word is just that
I’ll keep these notes safe
Until they mean nothing
Until I can flick that lighter
And set them on fire
Tagged by </a>kannachan27
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